The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better.

Page 87: “it is not about managing your emotions; it is about managing your reactions to your emotions.” This was today’s tidbit for consideration. I am no stranger to emotions. From the time I was small, I have felt a wide range of emotions very deeply. The expression of certain emotions were not welcome in my family, particularly anger. That brought a lot of guilt and eventually shame to my little world. I came to equate strong emotions with shame and a lack of control, a lack of being on the desirable “even keel.” Managing my emotions has been a lifelong trait of mine. I made sure to keep them hidden, pasting on a smile and carrying on, often acting calm and confident. Few people knew the inner turmoil I often felt. I created quite the False Self.

My approach in the last decade has been quite different. As I have come to deepen my relationship with Self through spending time with myself, doing all the things I love to do, developing trust and eventually falling in love with myself, I have accepted my emotions for what they are…information about what is happening around me and within me. I no longer try to fix situations so I can return to equilibrium. I sit with my emotions and tolerate them as I always have, but now I don’t judge them. I look at them with curiosity, sometimes from an almost detached point of view. I wonder what they want me to know. I wonder if they are asking me to learn something, do something, know something. I used to ruminate, catastrophizing and indulging in What if…? games, but I have learned that when I start to feel stuck, it’s time to move. The act of walking, in particular, helps me process my thoughts and move them along. I frequently dictate into my phone, pacing and letting my thoughts out. Other times, I sit quietly and watch the thoughts and feelings come and go. I catch them and release them, feeling the tension leave my body.

A word I like even better than react is respond. My reactions are often impulsive, thoughtless, habitual, and sometimes unkind. When I respond, I take time to pause. I take time to recognize if the trigger is current or from my past. I give myself the gift of time. I get angry. I get sarcastic. I display the shadow parts of myself I’ve worked a lifetime to hide. And then I accept and forgive myself because my feelings, warranted or not, rational or not, are mine. They stem from a lifetime of experiences that together have combined to make me into the unique person I am. Today, I do not manage my feelings, but accept them for the gift they are. Instead, I focus on my response to my emotions, whether action or just awareness.