The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 9.

"you can change your location,
meet new people,
and still have the same old problems."

I cannot outrun pain, problems or patterns.  They will continue to present themselves in my life because they want to be healed, to be seen and known, to be appreciated, acknowledged, accepted, validated and released.  Until I am able to tolerate discomfort and sit with my feelings, the avoidance or denial will keep my behaviors and poor choices firmly in my life, no matter where I go or who I am with.

"to truly change your life,
you need to look inward..."

I have spent a lifetime of scholarly learning, even and sometimes especially when it comes to emotional issues.  I've always read, listened, watched and polled to find a solution.  In other words, I've always looked outside myself for the answers.  I did this because I didn't feel I could trust myself to make good decisions.  I was terrified of making a mistake.  And so I turned to others who I felt were more of an expert than I was on my life.  I turned to people who may or may not have known me, but certainly did not know what it felt like in my bones, in my fibers, in my soul.  No one had experienced life quite like I had.  But yet I deferred to them.  To change, it is necessary to turn inward.  Enter writing!  Writing is the act that helped and helps me sort my thoughts, gain clarity, track my thinking, and find patterns.  To turn inward meant to trust myself.  Be forgiving of my mistakes.  Be less judgmental of myself and more curious.  Be kinder, softer, sweeter to myself.  Practice self care.  And in the process, I fell in love with myself.

"...internal changes 
have a significant external impact."

The changes I have made within have radically reformed my life.  I have shored myself up.  I have set boundaries around my needs.  I have identified my values.  I spend lots of time alone.  I play and create.  I keep an open mind and try new things.  I remember that I am both a mind and body.  I embrace rebellion by being true to myself and not what society, friends or family expect of me.  I embrace empowerment by using my voice and making decisions with the information I have.  I embrace embodiment by reclaiming my body, not as a thing to be objectified by others or myself, but as a vessel for my sense of self, where I experience my full range of emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Change is impactful when I am ready for it, I can hear it, want it, and pursue it, when I am tired of living with the same ghosts, the same whispers of the inner critical voice, and the same shame.