The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 80.

"when trauma becomes a part of your identity, it becomes harder to heal. the narratives that define how you see yourself need space to change.  acknowledging your past is important, but so is doing the work to unbind those old patterns so you can move beyond them."

It was June of 2016, my first day of summer break from school.  I was excited to head to the towpath by the Delaware River to begin training in earnest for my upcoming triathlon.  My plan was to bike and run that day.  Instead, I came home battered, bruised, and with terrible road rash, having ended up under a heap of people and bikes on that gravelly path.  Needless to say, I missed the race that year and spent lots of time at the orthopedist and physical therapist that summer.  The crash was traumatic.  In fact, I rode 7.5 miles back to my car, holding my swelling wrist up in the air, my legs and arm covered in blood. That trauma stayed with me for the next few years.  I was afraid to ride my bike, afraid when people passed me, and I only did one more triathlon, looking to avoid the bike component.  I feel it still when I pull my bike out of the shed each spring.  Fear.  Anxiety.  What if?  Remnants of an experience years ago that informs my decisions today and holds me back from living fully.

I wish that was my worst and only trauma in life, but it wasn't.  That came much earlier for me, as a 13 year old.  That trauma shaped my personality, my outlook on life and people, and taught me to operate from a place of fear, anticipating the worst and constantly assessing the threat level, in a controlling attempt to avoid pain.  It has taken me decades to get to a place where I can recognize that I had no fault in what happened to me, to trust in humanity, and to stop thinking like a victim, staying silent and keeping myself small.  I have had to work to change patterns of behavior that came from a place of protecting my inner child for all these years.  These behaviors and patterns do not serve me as an adult, but I am patient with myself as I learn a new way. 
 
These injuries left scars, as all trauma does.  These are visible to the eye, unlike my other traumas.  They are a reminder of my resilience, strength, and indomitable spirit that has kept me going all these years and allowed me to grow and change.  I'm not willing to say Thank you, but I am willing to say that I am the woman I am today because of them.

Photos:  June, 2016.  Kingwood, NJ.  By GHC and LAC