The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am each day flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo, and randomly stopping at a page to read. Using the entry as a prompt, I delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, synthesizing information, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 193.

"when she started letting go, her vision
became clearer, the present felt more
manageable and the future began to 
look open and full of bright possibilities.
as she shed the tense energy of the
past, her power and creativity returned.
with a revitalized excitement, she
focused on building a new life in which
joy and freedom were abundant."

This literally says it all.  If I ever got a tattoo, it would be this!  I have felt this rebirth twice in my life now, when the "comfort" of remaining in a tight, restricted bud became more painful than the fear of blossoming (paraphrased from Anais Nin).  When I began to let go, surrender, I recognized that even with all the control I tried to wield on those around me, I could not keep myself safe.  Control is nothing but a fallacy. As I let go and let others be who they are and let Life take its course, my vision of what I wanted for myself became clearer.  My understanding of who I am became clearer.  My desire to please others, to be what others needed and wanted, to fulfill my familial and societal role, left me.  I began to imagine what a life by MY design would look like.  I began to rebel against the box I was put into as a woman.  Anxiety eased and excitement grew for the possibilities that lay ahead of me.  Without the black and white thinking I had held myself to, what would I like to try?   I reclaimed my creativity and began to write.  Every day.  From my heart, from my head, from my soul. I let it all out.  I made lists, I wrote poems, I dictated angry diatribes, I wrote letters to my young self, I went back to journaling.  I bought this blog site with no real idea of what it would be.  I began a writers group and began the excitement of finding mentor texts, of researching topics, of sharing our work.  I was lit from within.  These periods in my life have been transformative and have come from choosing to end relationships that were not enhancing my life.  From there, I stood on my own two feet and built a relationship with myself.  I have never known such joy, such freedom, and yes, such abundance.  Having grown my love affair with myself, my bar is high for whomever I let into my precious, sacred world, because I enjoy myself and my own company more than anyone else.