The Journey Inward

Dear Friend,

  I have never had a friend who could compare to you. When we met, I was so young and you immediately took me under your wing. You changed, and literally even saved, my life. In my early years, you showed me a way forward and gave me the strength and security, confidence and courage to face any and all challenges that came my way. We have been an inseparable team ever since; no one has stuck by me like you do. No one has ever cared for me the way you do.  No one knows me like you do. You see me for exactly who I am. We have spent the better part of four decades attached at the hip, you being my greatest defender and protector. I am so thankful for you.

  I know you’ve sensed a change in our relationship the past few years. I’ve neglected you and been distant. I don’t seek you out, nor am I available most times you call or stop by. You have tried repeatedly to connect with me, to be there for me, to help me, but I have not responded. I have changed, and as a result put distance between us. I realize that I haven’t been direct and honest with you, and I’d like to do that now. You deserve that.

  While it’s true that you have always been there for me, throwing a blanket around me and moving me quickly through chaos, as a manager might navigate a star through paparazzi, I’ve come to see that I don’t want to handle hurt, pain, trauma, sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration or confusion that way anymore. I want to feel those things, sit with them, invite them in, get curious about them. Over the last few years, I’ve increasingly built tolerance for all my feelings and find that they provide me with information…about myself and the people and world around me. I have found that I can let go, showing up as I am and allowing others to do the same. I can let go and let others do their own work, be responsible for their own actions. I can just be. That wasn’t something I could do within our friendship. I felt so much pressure to fix and move on, to put on my mask, to spin the story, to manage the outcome.

  Control, my oldest and dearest friend, you will always have a special place in my heart and mind for all the ways you took care of me, protected me, and kept pain at bay. I will never doubt that you had anything but the best intentions for me and wanted every happiness for me. However, you cannot hold that place in my life anymore where I depend on you to determine outcomes, to keep me safe, to make life neat. Because outcomes are determined in so many different ways and all I can control is my own actions and responses. I am not safe because I avoid or pre-empt, but because I can always count on myself, in good times and hard ones. And as for life, like it or not, it’s just messy. And marvelous. And real.

  Thank you, my friend, for all the years you loved and cared for me. I am grateful for you.