The Journey Inward

I read this line today,
"Who you are while in extraordinary pain...is not who you are,"
And I felt a shift deep inside me,
A part that exhaled loudly, sighing, "Phew!"
A part that shouted, "See?!  I told you!"
Another part that said, "I needed to hear that."

I am one who blames myself,
Holds myself highly accountable,
Feels guilty, overly responsible,
And shameful,
About so much that I do or say,
And will endlessly question myself, "How could you?"

Lately I've been reflecting,
On times when I seemed to freeze,
Or even fawn,
While my expectation of Self was to master,
Rise up and conquer,
Weigh the options and make the best choices.

Yet that didn't happen,
My choices didn't make sense,
Weren't well thought out or executed,
Where was my head?  
What was I thinking?
I don't do things like that.

And this was the answer.
I am not how I behaved in those times,
They are not traits that I would ascribe to myself,
But rather, I was experiencing trauma,
And couldn't comprehend or fathom its depth,
And so I acted in a way that felt foreign to me.

Instead, can I...
Accept that I was having a trauma response?
Love myself for protecting this Self as best I could?
Nurture the little girl within me who was frightened?
Consider how I might protect myself long term as well as short term?
And not let these times concern or define me.

Yes, I can.  
Because how I showed up in times of trauma,
And how I behaved,
And how I thought,
And how I felt,
Are NOT who I am.

Quote from:  Laura McKowen The Shame Cave

Photo:  Monument to the Great Fire of London.  London, England.  6.25.24 by JMR