The Journey Inward

Recently, the discussion in my group
was about defects versus faults,
removal versus integration.

I instantly loved this idea
because I've long wrestled with
my survival traits 
that mimic personality
and removing traits
when I feel like I should be 
accepting them as shadow parts.
Confusing.

The more we talked,
the clearer it became to me,
crystal clear really,
and I set to work making a list.

It occurred to me 
that what I considered to be defects
were really traits that were foisted upon me by others, 
some well meaning, some not.
These faults were not mine, 
not natural or inborn,
but were modeled and molded,
handed down from generation to generation,
until they wove themselves into my innermost thoughts,
my beliefs about Self, 
my valuation of worth,
my inner voice,
and seemingly, my personality.
I believed them to be mine.  
It is these defects that I wish to remove!

These defects are part of the environment I grew up in,
the way I was treated,
the way I was taught to look at the world,
out of fear and self defense.
These traits don't serve me,
and thus, they must be removed.
I call upon the help of a Higher Power for this,
as these are no small defects!

I humbly ask for help in removing my defects of
criticism, comparison, competitiveness,
judgment, indecisiveness, shrinking.
These traits were used to inflict pain on myself
and sometimes others.

There are other traits I consider to be 
natural outgrowths of my childhood experiences,
and as such, they have been in the driver's seat too often.
But these traits are not defects to me, 
because they do serve a purpose,
and because they do help me apply a filter,
to truly see people and their reality, 
not just their potential, 
to look at alignment of words and actions,
(especially actions)
and decide who I allow into my one precious life.

I humbly ask for help in integrating my traits of
fear, wall building, self protecting,
people pleasing and intimidation by authority figures.

The key here seems to be humility,
speaking and owning my defects and traits,
being completely honest with myself,
and recognizing that this is a bigger job
than I can handle on my own.

The thought of removing defects
and integrating traits that will play a lesser role now
excited me in the realm of possibility...
more time to create,
more time to play,
freeing up of thoughts and energy,
reducing the amount of harm to Self and others,
and living wholeheartedly and authentically.

What do you consider to be your defects versus traits?
What would you want to remove versus integrate?

Photo:  Cabbagetown, Atlanta, GA.  11.8.24 by LA