The Journey Inward

“You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you.” ~Dodinsky

In speaking with Jennifer, my therapist, about my past relationships, she shared something so impactful that I immediately sketched it in my journal. She had me imagine that we are each a vessel and described me as a large pint glass brimming with spark, zest, communication, love, emotion, and thoughts. She said that I have paired with shot glasses, people who were wholly satisfied giving and receiving far less. Neither size is “right” nor “wrong,” but rather it’s about being aware of our capacities, or perhaps matching energetic capacity, so both people feel seen, heard, known and loved.

Nearly all my friendships have pretty even energy exchanges, but my romantic relationships have not. Reflecting back, I would guess that when I would love on my partners, I overwhelmed them, filling them quickly and then spilling over, which left me feeling like I was too much. When they would love on me, that treacle left me feeling empty and wanting, like I was not enough.

Jennifer suggested one complicated relationship I had stemmed from a partner who had what presented as a matching tall pint glass, but in reality, that glass was full of tiny holes, like a sieve. Because of this, it never felt like I got as much as I thought I would when he poured into me, leaving me feeling confused and somewhat lonely. And because love escaped through his holes, he was constantly seeking validation and attention from many sources, some of which lead to deceit and betrayal, causing me anxiety and deep pain.

Surely we are all prone to having a compromised vessel due to pain, trauma, insecurity, self criticism, fear, societal expectations, the stories we (or others) tell ourselves, negative core beliefs, childhood messaging, etc. Not being conscious of this, we look to others to fill us and are confused when all our efforts to mask up in search of praise, love and adulation don’t result in success. We still feel empty and alone. Why? Because happiness is an inside job, the quote in my tea cabinet reminds me. We seal our holes by radically accepting ourselves (even the dark shadow parts, the idiosyncratic quirky parts, and the flawed character parts) and believing that we are deserving of love, first of all our own. We become a healthy, whole vessel that replenishes from its own inner source and can then share love, intimacy, and trust with others.

Each day this month, I am reading and writing about an entry from gentle reminders: SIMPLE TRUTHS FOR A MEANINGFUL LIFE by Dodinsky. This book was given to me after my divorce by a friend with this inscription: “Let your soul sparkle.”