The Journey Inward

"Don't let anything dissuade you from blooming into the person you are meant to be."
"Do not let the waves of doubt wash away your authentic self."
~Dodinsky

I chose to shorten one quote by taking just the last sentence and combine it with the quote on the next page for today's reflections.

I have spent the vast majority of my life projecting a False Self.  
It appeased my parents that I was at least trying to be everything they wanted me to be and not openly defying them.
It pleased my teachers, pacified my coaches, reassured my friends.
I tried so hard to be everything to everyone.
My True Self got stuffed down, taken out only when I was alone.
I believed there was something so different about me, that I wasn't like anyone else.
And not in the ‘I am special and extraordinary' way, but in the 'Something is wrong with me' way.
I hid my True Self, convinced that if people knew me, they wouldn't like what they saw.

It wasn't that I wanted to make these people happy, if I'm being honest.
It was that I didn't want to feel uncomfortable, confrontative, or strange.
I didn't have the strength to stand in my own self and shine, regardless of their opinions.

There were things that weren't easy about being me, for sure.
But there was also a lot I liked.
I just knew that all of it had to stay hidden.
The few times I overshared or stepped into the spotlight, the hangover was severe and I regretted my actions, words or both.

With each passing decade, these shackles have fallen away.
The cage I was kept in was a farce; I alone held the key, but didn't know.
It wasn't my parents or teachers or friends who forced me in.
It was me, unsure of myself, afraid.

Today I am my most authentic, but I'm not in full bloom yet.
I still have waves of doubt.
I still contort and quiet myself.
I still default to messages of being too much or not enough.
But then I pick up the needle on that track.
I check myself.
I do not want to reduce myself to gain anyone's approval ever again.

I am a human with my own unique set of values, priorities, thoughts, feelings, ideas,
peculiarities, habits, style and communication.
I come by these through all of the experiences that shaped me,
but also by the One who created me.
I am embodying my authentic self more and more with each day.

Every day is a new day to practice!

Each day this month, I am reading and writing about an entry from gentle reminders:  SIMPLE TRUTHS FOR A MEANINGFUL LIFE by Dodinsky.  This book was given to me after my divorce by a friend, with this inscription: "Let your soul sparkle."