The Journey Inward

It's been coming for some time, I can see that now.
I sensed it now and then, yet...
I didn't note how the minutes became hours became days.
I didn't recognize the consistency and variations.
I knew I felt peaceful, happy, content, alive, vibrant, tingly.

But then it hit me, really hit me, last week.
A regular Monday in March, nothing special.
I feel an incredible lightness of being.
It was that simple and that profound.
I heard it, felt it, embodied it.

This feeling was predominantly unfamiliar,
Never having known it for more than a weekend,
Or perhaps a week. 
Because it has been exhausting,
Metabolically expensive, to be me sometimes.

And with good reason, for sure,
So many reasons, really.
It's not surprising that I bore the weight of feeling. 
It's not surprising that I lived with fear and even shame.
It IS surprising how I’ve recovered and healed.

I am vibrating very high these days.
I feel transformed,
Rewired, expansive.
Because it came incrementally, subtly,
I didn't recognize its significance.

Until I did.  I do.
It's an incredible lightness of being.
It's living in a way I never have, never could.
I haven't healed to handle pain - I know pain all too well.
I've healed to handle joy, happiness, lightness!

Looking back on these few months, I can see
I laugh more, talk more, open up to new people.
I spend less, eat less, worry less.
I enjoy quality time with quality people.
I feel joy at work.

Reality:  Our nation is very scary right now.
My district is financially challenged.
I am losing my position...again.
Big changes are coming for my family.
And yet, I feel light.

Not exhausted from empathy,
Not focused on the future,
Not catastrophizing about the kids,
Not stuck or scared or shamed,
Light, light, light.

I have endured enough pain
To know I am resilient, indomitable, strong.
But I've now experienced enough healing
To know I am also joyful, happy,
Light!

Photo:  Grand Central Terminal, NYC, NY.  10.23.21 by LA