The Journey Inward

"There are many days I thirst for my own silence
but walk through the desert screaming instead" 
         ~Andrea Gibson, 
           "Queer Youth Are Five Times More Likely To Die By Suicide,"
           You Better be Lightning


I crave stillness and peace and silence,
yet my mind is screaming and streaming
a busy, noisy, staticy binge,
until I let my body take the wheel
and feel and feel and feel,
which quiets my mind's desire to 
know, understand, solve, and fix.

I crave stillness and peace and silence,
yet my finger teams and screams,
dialing a friend (or three) to talk it through,
solicit opinions and advice,
make something that was 1/24th of my day
eclipse the other 95.83333333%.

I crave stillness and peace and silence,
yet my productivity screams and gleams,
as I accomplish most everything on my list,
from the cleaning to the errands to the cooking
to the workout and phone calls and schoolwork.

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I crave stillness and peace and silence,
yet my voice reams and screams,
because of the injustice in the world,
in my community, in my backyard.
Unfairness that can't be ignored for my own "mental health,"
can't be pushed down and away
because it's easier or more comfortable.

I crave stillness and peace and silence,
yet I steam and scream,
because hatred and cruelty are too common,
because -isms are too rampant.
It might be "easier" to look away,
say nothing, start nothing,
but my time will come, too,
and you might do nothing for me
when I have done nothing for you.

I crave stillness and peace and silence,
yet I scheme and scream,
joining rallies and demonstrations,
writing letters and speaking at meetings,
hearing firsthand accounts of those suffering.
I want more for this world and its people,
and I feel it deep down in my bones.

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There are days that I thirst for my silence,
and I don't give it to myself,
but there are also days that I thirst for my silence
and I won't give it to myself.

Silence can soothe the soul, but it can also wound the world when truth is left unspoken.