The Journey Inward

the processing of pain 
began with an insistent ache in my belly,
not long after sharing a story of trauma with my daughter.

i recognized it to be my body speaking to me,
she who has only been given voice in my system 
in recent years.
(embodiment is such a foreign concept
to one whose mind believes it is a solo act).

i listened, for she bore me a message,
whispering, "victim,"
yet i recoiled at the label,
for never have i identified as a victim,
i whose "strength" has been a point of pride.

but see, i had misunderstood the word,
confused it with weakness, powerlessness,
foolishness, recklessness.
mind had championed for empowerment and control,
but body had grown weary of this pep talk,
fatigued from years of denied trauma,
and she wasn't having it anymore.

unsure where to turn, i took the first tentative step
by writing to love, the wise and benevolent, 
asking what she wanted me to know,
and recording her answer back to me,
stunning in its sincerity,
honesty and need.
love wanted me to know that i was ready,
ready for this next step in healing,
and she told me she was honored to journey with me.

with gentleness, she cooed, little one, I would have you know
that your strength, resilience, intelligence
and emotional awareness are not in question
because of the abuse you suffered.
you were victimized,
and i say that not to disempower you,
but to release you from guilt and responsibility,
to comfort and soothe you,
to come up behind you and embrace you,
to hold you in my arms, cuddle and rock you,
to catch your tears with my cupped hands,
and touch your broken heart
until its tempo finds a comfortable beat.

love continued, you were victimized, my love.
because a victim is one who suffers from an injurious action,
and your sexual and emotional abuse rendered you so.
this is not an indictment of your character or traits or fortitude.
you are blameless, innocent, loving, trusting,
empathetic, compassionate, kind.
you deserve respect and gentleness.
you deserve to be lavished with love.
you are not to be questioned or attacked.
you are not to feel guilt or give explanations.

body was asking for what mind had never given her,
never allowed her.
body was asking to feel the pain,
experience it again so my whole being
could witness and validate it,
so that it could finally be set free.
body was done with power mantras.
she needed mind to admit that we had been victimized.
she wanted comfort and softness.
she wanted to speak up and scream,
i was victimized,
and it wasn't okay,
and it wasn't my fault,
and it hurt so much,
and it was so frightening,
and i felt so alone,
you left me alone,
you buried my experience,
did the autopsy, learned the intellectual lessons,
and moved on,
asking me to suppress, deny,
keep our secrets.

love concluded, i am here.  i am here for you.
feel the feels ~ they won't kill you.
feel the feels and release them.
cry giant tears that they may rinse your soul.
open your heart and let fear escape.
contract your stomach muscles,
pushing out the shrapnel long imbedded
from the wounds inflicted.
exhale toxins and inhale freshness,
renewal, rejuvenation.
every cell in your body wants to heal,
and so it shall!
stand aside and let your body do its self cleaning.
do not resist or hold back.
i am here.  love is here.