I am grateful to be sitting in my struggle this morning.
After days of family and children,
The house is quiet and I am alone.
I've decorated and played with the new pup,
But loneliness, loss and grief are settling over me.
I'm sitting with this, acknowledging it,
Recognizing where I feel it in my body.
(Pressure on my chest, tension about my shoulders, ache in my belly).
Reminding myself I don't always have to be
Cheery, strong and productive.
I can be sad, full of sorrow, missing my lost loved ones,
Confused, frustrated, angry and disappointed.
I can trust that these feelings will dissipate.  They will not stay.
But neither will my feelings of strength, resolve, productivity, and joy.
I can take solace that all my feelings come,
Ask to be acknowledged and felt, and only then can they move on.
A big cry is coming.  I let it.
Today I am showing up differently for myself.
I am not moving quickly through these hard feelings,
Looking on the bright side or fixing a problem immediately,
So that I can return to equilibrium.
I am being still, nurturing myself.
Because pain was never the problem,
I see that now.
It was the shame.
The shame that came from thinking that feeling pain
Made me vulnerable, weak, helpless, out of control.
There is no shame in pain.
I am human, with all the joys and complications that come with the gift of thought.

Photo:  Cape May Lighthouse, Cape May, NJ.  12.9.18 by JR

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