The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better.

Today’s reading was on page 65. “craving is an extreme form of desire that quickly attaches to different ways of feeling and the objects/situations/people that produce these feelings…clinging to what we crave not only causes much mental struggle, tension and dissatisfaction, but it also clouds our ability to objectively observe what is happening within and around us.” These were such enlightening lines for me in my journey to understand addiction and compulsion. Someone close to me is coming to terms with this in their life and I am seeking to understand. Because the addiction involves such debilitating consequences for Self and Others, it seems from the outside like a mistake you make once and never again. But craving answers every question I have about Why. I see the concept of attaching to a feeling and doing whatever it takes to achieve it. I hear the inability to think through consequences because the person may become disembodied and dissociated from themselves and the world. This is not a world of reason, logic and discernment.

“wanting is a natural pursuit that focuses our energy.” I loved this distinction, as there are many healthy pursuits and interests that bring joy and a sense of belonging and purpose. Craving produces stress and a desire to control reality or create a new one.

“…craving is an endless pit…the mind will return to craving…because craving is what it knows best.” Craving shows me that the mind and body are returning to their most comfortable state, most likely one that was chaotic and resembles their family of origin. They are comfortably uncomfortable or uncomfortably comfortable, perhaps.

Craving speaks to me personally on a different platform. I believe that my cravings come from my core beliefs, beliefs that I took on as a result of direct and indirect messages I received when I was a child. I crave both the opposite of these beliefs and the confirmation of these beliefs. For example, if I feel that I am not enough, I crave the feeling of being enough. I gravitate to the people who help me feel that way about myself. Conversely, I helplessly gravitate to the people who make me feel less than, inept, fraudulent. I crave the confirmation that these beliefs are true and real. Perhaps my platform is not all that different from the journey into addiction, just a different way to handle it.

Pain is Universal and childhood wounds are rarely avoided. Pain is at the root of so many of our behaviors that served a purpose in our survival, but do not serve us in thriving. Our cravings are powerful and hold much information for us. I will continue to think about what I want – things like belonging, acceptance, self trust, self love, and peace and what I crave, like reassurance, unconditional love, and safety.

Photo: Flemington, NJ. 9.1.22 by LA