The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 21.

heal yourself,
not just so you can thrive,
but to ensure that people
who cross your path in the future
are safer from harm.

Ouch!  This one resonates with me very much.  I have been hurt badly in life by people who have not healed their pain, but rather acted out of self protection, denial, selfishness, subconscious, anger, and/or addiction.  They could not see the consequences of their actions and who might be hurt.  In some cases, they didn't care.  In all cases, I paid a high price.  I wish each of these people well and truly hope that they can treat their pain, forgive and accept themselves, take responsibility for what is theirs, recognize what was passed onto them through generational dysfunction or societal expectations, break the cycle or norm, and thrive.

I have learned that the people in my life must have words and actions that align.  Nearly every experience I had involved someone who lacked that match up.  Words and sweet talk mean nothing when they are manipulative lies.  Promises and commitments fall away when they are not followed up with action.  When I don't see alignment in a person, that is a red flag.  When someone shows me who they are, I believe them now.

I have learned that I love myself and all my flaws.  I can count on myself to show up every day, and know that I will never abandon me.  As a result, I don't need anyone in my life, but I choose the special people who are.  They are dependable and reliable.  They are honest and true.  I make choices based on my values, which means never really having to think too hard about those decisions.    

And I have learned that I can trust myself.  My intuition has always set off alarm bells, raised red flags and riddled my body with anxiety.  Because I was so used to silencing my needs, quieting my voice and worrying more about others than myself, I pushed those warning signs away.  I saw the potential rather than the reality.  I tried desperately to write a narrative that ended better than the current one did.

I love myself.  I value myself.  I honor my wants and needs, my pain and struggles.  I enjoy being alone with myself.  I am okay just as I am, good days and bad.  I am not willing to be the victim of someone's unresolved pain.  

I am thoughtful and caring toward others.  I am apologetic when I make mistakes, which I then seek to correct.  I am a good friend to those who earn that place in my life.  I am respectful to all those who show respect.  I witness people's pain.  I empathize with them and am compassionate.  But I cannot do the work for them.  I've tried and I know that never works.  A person has to want significant change for themselves or they won't be able to maintain it.  I cannot control them or the circumstances to keep myself safe.  That is a fallacy.  All I can do is let them.  Let them heal or not. Let them go seek out dysfunctional people.  Let them receive the same lesson over and over that carries all the information Pain wants them to hear.  But I do not have to let them hurt me.  I can detach, distance, draw boundaries.  I get to choose who and how. I am not a victim, but a strong, empowered woman.