The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 37.

“the mind is inclined to protect itself, but an attitude of defensiveness easily breeds anxiety. out of caution, we fixate on uncertain information and create stories that can lead to unnecessary fear and mental tension.”

Catastrophizing, making assumptions, filling in the blanks. I have let my hard earned and understandable fear and mistrust of people cloud the reality of a situation. I have judged before I could be judged, isolated before I could be shunned, pulled at threads of a story and woven a new one. I have lead with fear rather than love, putting up walls to encircle my heart and keep the enemy out.

At times, my defensive thinking was necessary. My intuition urged me to pay attention, waving a red flag. I questioned and probed, only to be gaslit and told how I tend to do this type of thinking and that I’m making assumptions. That I have been hurt before so I am understandably triggered. Tapping right into my old belief that I was an “overthinker.” Followed by flowery words and reassurances. Master manipulation.

So much anxiety, so much devastation to my nervous system, so much chaos. In an attempt to protect myself, I tried to control others, equating control with safety. I “helped” and “rescued” unhealthy relationships to keep danger at bay. The doubts made me anxious, the history of lying made me anxious, the fear of old patterns made me anxious. The constant holding my breath waiting for another shoe to drop made me anxious.

“the simple act of bringing our awareness out of the mental clutter of unreliable thoughts and back into the present moment can preserve our energy and decrease the friction we feel...we are surely getting in the way of our inner peace.”

When I have gotten stuck, ruminated, acted as the writer, director, and co-star of my own narrative, I have felt the clutter and noise of an activated mind. These were times when past traumas resurfaced during present trauma, confusing me as to which time period was actually causing me the pain and which event I was actually working through. I tried changing the channel, turning down the volume, and convincing myself to treat this situation like it was one I had chosen, to no avail. Asking myself Is this something now or from my past? or How true is this? helped some.

My most effective strategy when triggered and my mind plays What if…? is to choose whether I need stillness or movement. If it’s stillness, I turn on a guided meditation and do a body scan. If it’s movement, I go out for a walk, allowing the rhythm of my steps and the scanning of my eyes to help me soothe and sort. I detach and get curious about what I’m thinking and feeling and which is driving which. I refrain from judgment, of myself and others. If someone in a dysfunctional cycle puts me on the defensive, I put a boundary there for my safety and sanity. I let them do their own work, while I carry onward. I prioritize my self care and nurture myself.

I come about mistrust honestly, through two parents who openly worried about everything. Childhood experiences reinforced the notion that there is much to feel anxious about in this world.  Mistrust.  Distrust.  Competitiveness.  Comparisons.  These are not conditions under which a child forms secure attachments, loving bonds, feels unconditional love, feels safe.

I have expanded my “organization” and hired some new roles.  My Manager brought in Discernment, Information, Self Trust, Experience, and Reason.  Now when I face a situation, Discernment and Information determine if there is a threat.  Experience helps them, relying on Self Trust and Reason.  Intuition has an easier time doing her job with these new coworkers.  Mistrust and Distrust still work here, but they are not running the show.

I am sitting and digging into my defensiveness with each sentence I write. I want to flip the script. I want to make assumptions that the Universe loves me and wants me here as part of its plan and flow, as essential for the time I am here.  I want to assume that the Universe is working for me, not against me and know that I have Confidence, Resilience, Intimacy and Trust to get through the hard times that are just bumps in the road, not obstacles put there to block my way and keep me out.  I have friends who are there to help with a single call.  I am not a mistake.  I am not here to assume a role. I am not meant to stay small and play it safe.  Fear cannot dictate my choices and decisions.

I am here to shine.  I am here to express my inner light and being.  I am here to show the world what it looks like through my eyes and my experiences.  I am here to bear witness to the pain, sorrow, joy and suffering of others. I am here to pass down less burden than was given to me and more love than I knew.  I am here to thrive, to be nourished by nature, to create, to find my path, to live fully.  I am here to trust until someone shows me otherwise.  

Photo: Flemington, NJ. 3.6.22 by LAC