The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 7.

"throw away the idea
that healing is forgetting

the real result is no longer
reacting to old triggers
with the same intensity as before

the memories are still there,
but they do not have the
same power over your mind"

I have been victimized, yes, but I have also felt like a victim - helpless and hopeless, silenced and small, when old recordings, old beliefs, old habits of mind stimulated my fear.  I would hold myself to rigid rules and standards that reflected what I considered to be common decency and got upset when others behaved exactly as they pleased.  I would feel paralyzed, defeated.  I would cry or pace.

Then I took on the mantra, "I'm a grown ass woman!" and things began to change. I had been choosing to be a victim.  I could release myself from being "nice" and feel empowered to act on my behalf.   I could say no, disagree, put up a boundary, not respond, not go, not volunteer, not compromise myself.  The list of ways to respond that didn't include feeling guilty, shameful, and powerless were enormous.  

I haven't forgotten the pain I have experienced, but it does not hold the same power over me.  It asks to be considered, soothed, acknowledged, and nurtured, but it does not ask me to be less than I am, to be trapped and contained.