The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 76.

"how many times have you been
unable to fully enjoy a special
moment because you couldn't stop
thinking about what was missing?"

I don't think I've really had that experience, missing something that prevents me from enjoying the moment.  What I suffer from more is not being fully present in moments. I am much more cognizant than I used to be of mindfulness, being aware of what I'm doing while I'm doing it.  Too often, I think too much about how I'm being perceived in a moment. I worry that my reaction is too much or not enough.  I worry that I have the "wrong" response or that I've said something "wrong."  I worry about how other people are feeling, whether they're comfortable, whether they're feeling included, whether they like each other if I've brought them together, and then what they think about me based on that!  SO, a lot of time spent in my head with thoughts that detract from the actual moment, from me actually getting in touch with how I feel about it, from allowing myself to have authentic reactions, responses and interactions, from not worrying if what I've said is polished  enough.  Mindfulness and self check ins are getting more natural, but I'm also getting more engaged and even lost in moments, halting the onslaught of past behaviors.  

I chose this photograph of my girls and our dog because I spent so much of their growing up years taking videos and pictures so that we'd always remember these times, so that we'd have a record of their fun and hijinx.  This was before social media, so I wasn't snapping shots to post for others in real time.  This was truly for us.  Maybe as the baby and the least photographed of my family, I wanted to give my kids their memories.  I remember poring over our family albums as a child, wanting to connect with the great grandparents and great aunts I never knew.  I loved to study which features my brothers, sister and I shared with my parents and what our differences were.  I began to fill my own albums as a 6th grader, numbering dozens that I still have!  

I can be present for special moments today in a way I often wasn't able to be in the past.  I have changed my thought patterns, which in turn has changed my behavior.  

Photo:  Kingwood, NJ.  October, 2009.  By LA.