The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo daily and randomly stopping at a page and reading. I am using the entry to delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 153.

"the goal is not to heal
and then begin your life."

A place I have become quite fond of is the Messy Middle. I heard the term on a podcast and instantly fell in love with it.  The podcasters I enjoy most are sharing their daily lives, complete with ups, downs, relapses, therapy, and heartache in real time, not once they've gone through it and come out the other side.  They are honest, vulnerable and transparent.  These are my kind of people, and in fact, the vast number of my closest friends possess these same qualities.  I love them for it; we give each other permission to show up as we are.  

But the Messy Middle wasn't always the space I occupied.  I had my False Self Mask very firmly in place and was careful about what I let people see.  I feared them knowing the "real" me and so could be a chameleon and people pleaser to meet their needs and make them more comfortable and to protect my fragile inner child.  I was the same way with my kids, always appearing strong and in command of my feelings.  I wasn't vulnerable, didn't trust them to love me.  And this was because I didn't love and cherish myself.  I was self critical, harsh in my choice of language to self describe, brutal at judging myself over mistakes or poor choices.  I did not hold myself in high regard at all.  It's hard to have authentic relationships when you are afraid to be authentic, when you believe the authentic you is bad, not worth knowing, not worthy.  

If I wait until I have it all figured out, I will miss out on hundreds of amazing experiences.  If I wait until you have it all figured out, we may never connect.  I prefer to believe that the Universe puts people, places, experiences, words, music, art, and more in my path to help show me the way forward.  

Photo:   Beach Haven, LBI, NJ.  5.25.23 by SG