The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am each day flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo, and randomly stopping at a page to read. Using the entry as a prompt, I delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, synthesizing information, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 80.

"when trauma becomes a part of your identity, it is harder to heal.  the narratives that define how you see yourself need space to change."

How does trauma not become part of your identity when it occurs just as you are forming your identity?  Trauma at a young age played a huge role in shaping my personality, my tendencies, my interpersonal skills.  It dictated the vast majority of my decisions and because of trauma, I developed maladaptive behaviors that have lasted decades. 

My current narrative has undergone massive changes so that I don't identify as a victim, helpless and hopeless, nearly as much anymore.  Through my self love journey, I have come to truly cherish and appreciate myself and can identify my strengths and uniqueness and know that I am worthy of love simply because I exist.  I've forgiven myself for my actions, understanding that nothing I did gave anyone permission to act as they did.  I've looked at the children I work with and marveled that I could hold someone so young, innocent, and naive responsible as I did with myself. I've reparented myself, literally rewriting those events as if I am a loving parent speaking to my young self.  Those stories and scripts heal my heart and soul.  They are filled with gentleness, understanding, wisdom, validation, and empathy.  It has been transformative.

As I process my trauma with professionals, begin to share my story for the first time in 40 years, and write about it here, I know I am healing.  I know I am speaking from a place of neutrality more and more, not raw and angry pain.  As I release these secrets, they begin to lose their hold on me.  They become less of my identity and I become more linked to the thousands of others who share my experiences, gaining strength and solidarity and moving out of isolation.  I see us as whole, not broken or shameful or weak. 

But removing trauma from identity takes time.  It takes space.  It takes patience.  It takes self validation.  And it takes the love and support of those around me. I am practicing radical acceptance and reclaiming the little girl who was so creative, so thought filled, so curious, so open.  That is the narrative I want back.

Photo:  Eastern State Penitentiary, Philadelphia, PA.  5.6.23 by LA