The Journey Inward

For the month of June, I am each day flipping through Clarity and Connection, by Yung Pueblo, and randomly stopping at a page to read. Using the entry as a prompt, I delve into my thoughts and feelings, find what resonates, and see what answers it might hold for me. It is an exercise in building my Intuition, synthesizing information, making space for creativity, and journeying inward so that I might know myself and others better. Today’s reading was on page 68. Today is my last one!

"how many times has everything
come crashing down and left you feeling
as though the world was over?

now,
how many times
after grieving

have you gotten back up,
embraced the power of your determination,
and moved forward into a new life?"

Quite a few times, actually.  And from a young age.  I can remember my 8th grade year, fantasizing about not having to get up another day and face it all. Not having to bear the pain, the isolation, the shame.  Wouldn't everyone feel sorry?  It was a daydream to escape my current situation and bring some control back into my life.  

But it was never serious thought, just a coping mechanism.  Because deep inside me I had an incredible will to live, to rise above, to get past and to go beyond.  I could see life on the "other side" for me and felt it would once again be manageable.  This turned out to be the first of several episodes where I was brought to my knees, in pain, grief stricken, shocked, deceived, jaded.  

But each and every time something picked me up and kept me moving.  It was my  determination, but also the Universe or my Higher Power giving me the extra strength I needed to rise above the present, to realize this moment was perhaps part of a necessary and bigger plan that would makes sense down the road, thought it didn't right now.  This moment may have arrived to teach me, bring me a message, or reveal something about myself that I had been ignoring.  It is the In Between.  Still hurting and grieving and reeling, not healed or peaceful or stable.  Surrendering control to what is next, taking a leap of faith, not knowing where or what is next, but knowing it is there for me and when I get there I will be different, changed, more evolved.  I will be ready for my next opportunity in a way I wasn't before.

Because underneath it all, I have an Indomitable Spirit that has always been a part of me.  I felt it; I relied on it.  It has seen me through darkness, pain and sorrow.  It has held me up, carried me forward, and placed me down gently in a future I could not have foreseen, but trusted would be there.  

Photo:  Colorado Springs, CO.  6.29.23 by LAC