The Journey Inward

So here’s an interesting story from my childhood, and a bit embarrassing at first glance. But bear with me, because maybe you’ve had a similar experience but under different conditions. For a number of years, my childhood bedroom had a thick, blue shag rug. On my sliding closet doors hung a full length mirror. As a preteen, I used to sit on the carpet in front of that mirror and experiment with makeup and hairstyles.

One day, my friend Dana was over and she slid into position before the mirror for me to braid her hair. “Ouch!” she yelped and grabbed her knee. “What was that? Something sharp poked me!”

“That’s a tack,” I said, with no further explanation, thinking I’d said quite enough. “What do you mean?” she demanded. “Why is there a tack under your rug and why haven’t you taken it out?”

To tell you this was a life changing moment does not do it justice. Because the fact of the matter was, it had never even occurred to me to remove the tack. I simply worked around it. I moved to the left or right, sat back a bit from where I thought it might be, or knelt on a towel. In short, I adjusted and modified my actions to accommodate the tack.

If this story is making no sense to you, and you are on Team Dana, let me translate. That tack represented an all powerful force. I was reminded of that when I absently knelt on it, receiving the punishment of pain for letting my guard down, for not being more vigilant. It was my fault. I never looked to remove the tack because I did not believe I was powerful enough to bring about change, to advocate for myself. That tack was my mom, dad, siblings, authority figures, and people yet to come who I felt helpless in the presence of. It never occurred to me to find and remove the tack because I had been conditioned to “take it,’ to have a stiff upper lip, to not complain, to be polite and to not make waves. I was helpless to remove the obstacle, instead altering my behavior to stay out of harm’s way.

I see now how this way of thinking played out across my days, weeks and years before and after Dana’s discovery. These were fertile conditions for what lay ahead for me. Staying small, putting myself in a box, following the “rules”, pleasing others, not speaking up, repressing my own needs and wants. A small tack, a big metaphor. Today, I practice greater self care by identifying the pain points in my life, sitting with my feelings, taking action if I can (remove the damn tack!) and making decisions that align with my core values and don’t compromise me. I am empowered and embodied to do so and have reclaimed my voice.