The Journey Inward

One of my most powerful fears is that of heights. My palms sweat, my heart beats, my eyes dart about for a safe way out, I drop down low, and I imagine falling, falling, falling.

It is often an irrational fear, or at the very least one with low odds, but I feel it without fail nonetheless. I used to be ashamed of it, didn’t like the vulnerability of showing a weakness. I would try to quietly muster through, white knuckling the rail or whatever was nearby to clasp in a death grip. I kept it a secret and smiled through my terror. Especially around my kids, not wanting to pass on fear.

I don’t feel that anymore. To be clear, I still have a tremendous fear of heights, but what I don’t have is the fear of announcing it, sharing it, owning it. I don’t fear my kids knowing because they will be afraid of things at some point and will remember how I dealt with it (she says now that they are adults and she has just begun this practice!). I don’t worry about being judged, thought of as soft, weak or less than. It’s just a part of me and I don’t need to conquer it, get over it or push onward.

Having said that, I had the most amazing trip up the Duquesne Incline in Pittsburgh this past weekend. I wanted to see the view from the top, but gave myself permission in advance to sit the ride out if it seemed too steep, rickety and/or scary. But I didn’t need the pass. I prepared myself to look straight ahead, but found I could look both up and down without issue. The ride up was delightful, the view at the top gorgeous and the descent enjoyable, complete with an older gentleman joining us and weaving historical facts into a riveting story.

It worked out this time. It may not work out next time. One day at a time. One experience at a time. Self compassion and self acceptance always.

Photo: The Duquesne Incline, Pittsburgh, PA. 8.27.23 by JMR