The Journey Inward

Ah, if only I was referring to roof shingles. But alas, I am not. I am referring to the shingles that come from the chicken pox virus that lies dormant in your body and chooses its moment to make itself known, much to your surprise and dismay.

The virus began as a tingling in my back that radiated around my side. The tingling became quite uncomfortable and I was unable to sleep. I went to the school nurse the next morning, who sent me to the doctor, who surmised it was indeed shingles. He immediately put me on an antiviral. The next day passed with that burning sensation starting at my spine, wrapping around my right side to my belly button and spreading down my thigh. Three days later, the rash started. I had begun to doubt that I would get one, maybe have a light case because I caught and treated it quickly. With the rash came fever, nausea and a throbbing headache. I was on the couch for two days, foggy and in and out of sleep. No blisters yet, and hoping I might skip that stage.

I took two days off from work and the weekend to recover. I went back to work Monday, behind and in catch up mode. I began teaching a new class last night. I started oral steroid treatment that has given me the energy to get back to writing and reading the blogs of those of you I follow and enjoy and those of you I discover. It feels good to be back. Here are some lessons I learned in this past week…

1. Don’t put off the unpleasant, but necessary tasks. My shingles vaccine was scheduled for tomorrow. The doctor assures me it would not have prevented my outbreak, but might have lessened its severity and prevented any long term nerve damage. That vaccine has been on my list for two years. I kept putting it off, always claiming I just didn’t have the time to be sick, as many of my friends had felt the flu-like symptoms I had in the beginning. Turns out I didn’t “have time” for it now, either. Who ever does?
2. Accept the situation without recrimination. As someone who feels tremendous responsibility and guilt and who beats myself up for mistakes, I was happy to see just how far I’ve come with that in accepting that I got the virus before I had a chance to get the vaccine and that it is okay. I am okay. I accept that this has happened and it doesn’t make me a bad person, irresponsible or indecisive. It is what it is.
3. Tune into your body more and your mind less. Part of quieting those old voices was tuning into my body more and answering its need for rest, for comfort foods, for soft, comfortable clothing, and ultimately, for pain relievers.
4. Rest. This one is not always easy for more. I close my activity rings every day and walk at least 10,000 steps. I love to be outside. I go to sleep way too late But rest I did. I had no choice. I gave in and surrendered to the comforts of the couch and pillows and blankets and a teen drama on Netflix that I could doze off during and not feel I needed to go back and fill in the blanks.
5. Accept help. My support network was amazing in this time, texting and calling, offering to bring medicine, do my grocery shopping, mow my lawn. It’s hard for me to accept help, but I did. I needed it. And it felt good to be showered with loving care.
6. Research, but no more than necessary. I did not come home from the doctor terribly well informed, so I took to the Internet to flesh out the specifics. I found out the timeline, the complete list of symptoms, and the contagion level. I learned how it starts, why it starts, and how to treat it. But I stopped short of the horror stories, the 1% longterm effects and anything that would disturb the peace and rest I was trying to capture. Again, this was a change for me; in pregnancy, I knew every possible thing that could go wrong and actively watched for it.
7. Give yourself grace. I was adhering to the Whole 30 Program for the month of September, curious to see if what I ate had any effect on how I felt. I was 14 days in when I got shingles. At first, I stayed with the program. But when the fever and nausea hit, I just wanted toast. I wanted comfort foods. I decided that I would leave the program, allow myself to have what I wanted, and then return to many of the principles, but knowing I was no longer compliant and therefore hadn’t successfully completed the trial. Maybe I’ll try again, maybe I won’t. But I’m glad I just focused on my recovery.
8. Continue with gratitudes. This was so important in this time. I have a daily text chain where we share our gratitude with no cross talk or other chatter. I love this ritual and did my best to either text in my thoughts or at the least, pause and think them.
9. More inclusive empathy. Shingles is invisible to those around me, a silent affliction that is covered entirely by my clothing. How many walk around with invisible pain, physical or emotional, that we don’t recognize? How many suffer from chronic pain that won’t go away in two weeks, that can’t be treated with drugs, that doesn’t allow them to stay on the couch for days? I am reminded to be much more sensitive and give people the benefit of the doubt. We are all dealing with something.

I’m grateful to be on the mend and feeling more myself. I am excited to post the writing I’ve done in this time, scribbled in notebooks, on napkins, and on the back of flyers. I’m grateful.