The Journey Inward

I know this sounds horrible and shocking, but the word SERVICE exhausts me and makes me resentful in this time of my life. I read self care article after article that talk about being of service to others and how that gives your life purpose. I don’t disagree. Stay with me here…

As a woman, my whole life has been about service. I was a dutiful daughter, always trying to win my parents respect, love, and validation. I was helpful, obedient and for the most part, tried my hardest not to disappoint them. I was a Girl Scout and later a Candy Striper at the hospital, volunteering my time for the benefit of the community. I joined the Key Club in high school, an organization devoted to service. In college, I worked at a day care center, taking care of people’s precious little ones. I was an active member of my church from childhood through my 40’s, volunteering my time and resources. I started my teaching career at 22 and have devoted 30 years to educating our future lawmakers, caretakers, thinkers and innovators. I have signed up for more committees than I can count and offered PD on subjects I wasn’t even interested in.

I became a wife and mother, often putting my own needs and desires aside to accommodate theirs. I volunteered at nursery school, I was PTA president, I was the education foundation secretary, I lead my daughters’ Girl Scout troops and their Destination Imagination teams. I organized dinners for friends in need and set up play dates, park dates and neighborhood get togethers.

I have served. And it has served me. I am grateful.

But I’m also tired. Women serve not just because they are caring and nurturing, but because society expects them to. It’s what keeps things humming along. 

Listening to a podcast today, I heard this idea…that telling the truth is the ultimate act of service. When I am honest with myself, I recognize things I’m doing that damage my self esteem and hurt others. When I am honest with others, I am making space for both of us to express what we feel and what we need. I am deepening our intimacy and allowing each of us to do our own work. 

So while I take a break from volunteering for everything under the sun and just take time to evaluate my priorities and only take on things that I am passionate about, I will see my honesty, to self and others, as my act of service. How refreshing!

Photo: Greenwich, CT. 9.30.23 by LA