The Journey Inward

While reading Andrea Gibson’s poem, “The Year of No Grudges or Instead of Writing a Furious Text, I Try a Poem,” I came upon this…

I've been dancing in the end zone
since you taught me to start breaking
every promise I have made

to my pain, taught me my wounds
will never be bigger than I am."

It made me think about the promises I've made to my pain.
 
I've promised to hide it, keep it shadowed and dark, lest it be exposed in Vulnerability's light. 
I've promised to remember it, commit its actions and feelings to memory, to be taken out as a self cautionary tale when I think to connect with others.
I've promised to carry it with me everywhere, have it remind me of exactly who I am...an earlier version of this so called new Self.
I've promised to add to it, confirm the core beliefs that it planted with each new wound.
I've promised to believe it, shy away from new perspectives, the benefit of growth and maturity.
I've promised to instill it in my children, that they can in turn protect themselves when I can't.

But I am not my wounds, and I never was. Little by little, year by year, in small increments, I have systematically broken the promises I've made to my pain. I’ve reclaimed my young, innocent, curious, vibrant Self. Its urgent demands have grown to whispered requests, and I have thanked them and chosen differently. Their warnings of failure, humiliation, futility, danger and masking go unheeded as I step out of my comfort zone, take risks and believe in myself. Missteps and mistakes are merely feedback, information to move me forward.

Pain, you have played a key role in my life and have served to protect me and keep me safe. But I choose to feel you, sit with you, love and accept you, and move on...trusting and loving myself, extending myself grace, and offering the same to my loves and strangers alike.

Photo: Washington, DC. 1.17.24 by LA