The Journey Inward

I woke this morning,
At a hotel in Connecticut again,
Having slept so well,
With my daughter in the bed beside me,
Her injured leg propped on three pillows,
Feeling grateful I could do this one thing,
To ease her pain and bring her comfort.

So why did I feel a pit in my stomach?
This pressure in my chest?
A feeling of dread?
And then I remembered,
Remembered the source of my pain. 
I remembered...


September 29, 2022,
10:30 pm,
The call from my brother,
After each of our visiting shifts had ended,
That she had passed. 
I was overcome with grief,
Though I had sensed it that day,
Had known it was close,
Had said my goodbye like it could be the last. 
So why the shock?
Why the unpreparedness?

Because she's my mom,
For all the complications our relationship held,
She's my mom,
And I couldn't imagine life without her,
Couldn't imagine this world without her,
Couldn't imagine the world still spinning,
Just couldn't imagine.

I went to her gravesite this evening,
On my way home,
Clutching a crocheted flower made by my youngest,
And laid it above her ashes,
And under her plaque.
I talked to her through tears,
About loss, fear, safety, control...
She knew what I meant.

I moved up the wall to my dad,
Memorialized there over 22 years ago,
And told him how much I loved him,
And our relationship when I was little,
And how sorry I was that we’d lost that,
And that I hadn’t appreciated him enough.

Next, I moved up the column to my sister-in-law,
And told her about her three amazing children,
And how proud she'd be,
And about her three adorable grandbabies,
And how proud she'd be,
And about her amazing husband,
And how proud she'd be,
How he's preparing to move back to her homeland for awhile,
To come full circle and complete their story.

I sobbed then, crouched down in the mist,
In this peaceful, beautiful place,
In the town I grew up in,
Next to the church I attended,
The church I was married in,
The church my parents were members of for decades,
The church that laid them to rest.

I stood then,
Stepped back and took pictures for my family,
None of whom are local anymore,
And felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude,
Of love, of wholeness.
It's been two years and I think of her daily,
Miss her daily,
And hope that she feels abundant peace.

Photo:  Memorial site by LA.  9.29.24