The Journey Inward

I’ve MADE ROOM in the second half of the month for:

1.  writing poetry and exploring new structures without self judgment.
2.  taking a photo walk. 
3.  a weekly donation bag.
4.  bringing the poetic structure to my writing group and enjoying where each woman took the prompt and how they expressed themselves.
5.  pleasure. 
6.  a night out with friends for a delicious, nutritious meal at a pop up event.
7.  celebrating the depth and strength of my female friendships.
8.  taking the day off from workouts.
9.  listening as long as my friend needed as she felt herself "spinning."
10.  being completely swept up in the Australian Open through live tv matches, live scores on my app, and live commentary on AO radio.
11.  genuine happiness for my ex-husband, whose relationship is headed toward marriage.
12.  emotional maturity and pride in my progress that I don't view this woman joining our family as a threat to my relationship with our girls.
13.  compassion for my mom, who believed that there was only so much love and loyalty to go around. 
14.  sorrow for little me who felt she was being disloyal by connecting with others. 
15.  opening up and being richly rewarded with deeper friendships.
16.  accepting another date, enjoying myself, but deciding I'm still not interested right now.
17.  firmly declining unwanted flirtation and physical advances.
18.  going back to bed in my jammies and robe and reading for two hours.
19.  shoveling the driveway and walkways, the porches and car and then trying to make a snowman (too powdery!).
20.  two movies on my snow day.
21.  a quilling project for a student. 
22.  writing and writing and writing.
23.  getting my nails done and going shopping with one of my best friends.
24.  a wintry walk in the snow.
25.  dinner overlooking the river, watching the sun set.
26.  making a photo collage for my friend's birthday.
27.  hearing all about my daughter's upcoming trip to Puerto Rico.
28.  focusing on Dr. Martin Luther King rather than the inauguration.
29.  feeling sickened when my daughter woke me early on the President's first day to tell me he had fired the Commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard and why.
30.  concern that my daughters may not be able to continue to serve this country simply because of their gender.
31.  feeling helpless and despondent when I read "highlights" of the President's inaugural address and could not find decency, respect, kindness, gentleness, or humanity in its words or hope for our whole nation.
32.  tending to the hearts of my loved ones who are gay, lesbian, trans, transitioning, non-binary, brown, illegal, pregnant, undergoing IVF, and then tending to my own heartbreak at the atrocities to come.
33.  grief for what we've lost and fear for what we have.
34.  meeting with like minded women about what we can do to protect ourselves and others wherever we can, to speak up for those whose voices may be silenced and to spread human compassion, love, and acceptance.
35.  accepting and releasing feelings of guilt when I experience silliness or joy in the face of so much negative change. 
36.  podcasts on a wide range of topics, from tennis to dopamine to politics.
37.  meeting with my Pod Squad group.
38.  meeting with my zoom group and through our shares being reminded how universal our thoughts and feelings are.
39.  shuffling objects in my house to give me new perspective.
40.  buying more houseplants.
41.  having a dance party to Alicia Keys in my kitchen by myself.
42.  some new recipes, including a night time latte for my writing group.
43.  lighting a scented candle with intention and presence.
44.  reading other blogs and commenting on what inspires and resonates with me.
45.  buying t-shirts with uplifting, fun, funny or service oriented messages.
46.  pictures and check-ins from Puerto Rico.
47.  booking a flight to visit my daughter in Miami one last time and catching the Miami Open with her, her husband, and my older daughter.
48.  finding hearts in nature.
49.  the shares of my writing group that tapped into fears, grief and depression.
50.  learning about "disproportionate joy" from one of the writers and realizing how often I feel that, but places I miss it because I'm in my head and not present.
51.  a podcast that helped me feel more positive about the next four years.
52.  texting with my aunt and sharing pictures and memories of my mom.
53.  my laugh, that comes easily and frequently.
54.  a new word game with my friend.
55.  a newspaper clipping circa 1974 sent to me by an old friend where my dad was interviewed about state testing results in our district!  It showed that the more things change, the more they stay the same!
56.  the snooze button.
57.  Costco samples.
58.  a quiet gym on a Friday night.
59.  the Australian Open finals.
60.  binging a new series that made me laugh out loud.
61.  new appliances.
62.  coffee table books.
63.  a walk at dusk.
64.  finishing a book.
65.  catching up with my friend and her daughter by phone as they were driving.
66.  walking to and from tea in town with friends.
67.  following my daughter's marathon progress on an app.
68.  hearing all about said marathon afterwards.
69.  talking with her about our family and how older parents and older grandparents mean that she has no living grandparents left.
70.  hearing her thoughts on her future.
71.  a drive out to Trader Joe's for a change of grocery scenery.
72.  buying another houseplant.
73.  having extra keys made for friends so someone can always get to my pups if I can’t. 
74.  solving my vacuum's problem by cutting out tangled long hair and yarn.
75.  buying a milk foamer/frother for making London fogs, chai lattes and hot chocolate.
76.  a better organized fridge and freezer.
77.  resting when I felt fatigued.
78.  a walk with a neighbor.
79.  sharing vulnerably.
80.  being authentically me and not regretting it later.
81.  missing the students I won't be working with this semester.
82.  learning about my new students.
83.  orange cranberry bisconies.
84.  macarons from a local bakery.
85.  a communication system with my friend so I won't worry when she's out on dates with someone new.
86.  Super Greens powder every day.
87.  meeting with my financial advisor.
88.  hearing about my daughter's weekend.
89.  being on call for my son-in-law as he was taken to the emergency room and my daughter scrambled to get to him.
90.  a wholesome new series that makes me smile.
91.  snuggles with my pups.
92.  treating my dear friend to dinner so I can hear about her dad's final days and how she's doing.
93.  sharing stories of grief and loss with that friend.
94.  organizing teaching supplies so they are handy when I travel between rooms or when I teach at a table in my classroom.
95.  examining how my habit of always looking ahead has served me and how it holds me back.
96.  recognizing how exhausting it can often be to feel and connect so deeply.
97.  radical acceptance of myself with all my flaws and knowing that I am still deserving of love.
98.  grounding mantras that keep me present in the moment, not running commentary and editorials in my head.
99.  2 minute body scan meditation.
100.  accepting that I may be misunderstood, not liked, or may not impress and that's okay.
101.  understanding that people arrive at their opinions/perceptions based on their own "stuff" way more than what I actually say or do.
102.  choosing not to share or comment.
103.  listening to students talk about finding hiding places at home in case "the ICE" comes.
104.  "early bird" dinner out with good friends so we could all get home for comfy clothes and couch on a Friday night!
105.  processing all the news that is coming fast and furious.
106.  despondency and helplessness. 
107.  space on my sweater for a sticky note "great teacher" badge a student made me.
108.  a dream where I was reunited with my late dad and all the feelings that came rushing in when I woke.
109.  not having to be productive all the time!
110. meal prep on weekends.