The Journey Inward

“It does not mean giving people the license to hurt you over and over again. It is simply an act of releasing the pain others may have caused and remembering never to let them take away your peace again.”

“When you forgive…You’re simply creating a spot for inner peace to settle in your heart.”

~Dodinsky

Today I chose two pages on forgiveness to reflect on. I got myself all twisted up in thought, brough it to others to discuss, and ultimately, still feel conflicted on this action and concept.  What follows is a stream of consciousness, not fully formed, not fully fleshed out.  You've been warned!!

It's not that I'm not a forgiving person.  When someone apologizes for a mistake, I don't think twice about offering my forgiveness.  If someone messes up and comes clean, I'm good with that.  If someone hurts me or misspeaks by accident, no worries!

If someone hurts me because they just don't have the tools or capacity to behave differently, but their intent is not necessarily harm, I can accept that.  If they change their behavior, I know the apology is sincere and I am forgiving.

If someone purposely and knowingly and willingly hurts me, I don't have to forgive them or the action.  I don't.  I have sacrificed myself too many times and paid dearly. 

I think what resonates with me is not so much forgiveness, but empathy and compassion.  I can attempt to understand or at least accept that a person's experiences in life brought them to this point and the exchange had very little to do with me.  It's not personal.  After all, hurt people hurt people.  I do not have to continue a relationship with them, but offer my empathy and compassion from a distance to protect myself and my peace.

My hurdle with forgiveness is to myself.  I am very hard on myself and self blame for things well beyond my control or that I contributed to out of a misguided sense of loyalty or love or fear or guilt or programming.  When I can forgive myself for staying, leaving, loving, being naive, blowing up, getting small, giving in, being stubborn, behaving poorly or being hurtful in return, I can regain my sense of self trust and self love.  I return to equilibrium.  I don't need apologies or closure from another person to heal.  I need to love and trust myself.

So I guess my peace of mind comes from releasing others and focusing on myself.  For those who seek genuine forgiveness and feel remorse, I am magnanimous.  For those who say the words, but don't back them with action, I can wish them well from a distance.  As my therapist said, Trust is consistent actions over time.  That equation has been my guiding light for filtering people in my life and being discerning about who I spend time with in this one beautiful life.

Each day this month, I am reading and writing about an entry from gentle reminders: SIMPLE TRUTHS FOR A MEANINGFUL LIFE by Dodinsky. This book was given to me after my divorce by a friend, with this inscription: “Let your soul sparkle.”